Currently Listening Cassadaga By Bright Eyes see related

everyone needs a wooden umbrella.

i feel like i have been holding onto my breath.

so much has changed, and i find myself wanting to   :: hide ::    ... to simply, live underneath the shadow of a weeping willow and ask for those who ask more out of me to leave me alone.  to be honest, i believe that discipline scares the hell out of me.  that to ask more than what i am simply giving terrifies me, because i do not want to fail.  and more than that, i may be scared of my success.

vocation and dreams and passions have seemed lost in these last weeks.  i gained this sense of purposelessness ... a sort of giving up, if you will and honestly i just wanted to throw in the towel; that somehow just hiding and muddling and grasping was a whole lot more comfortable than believing. and  yesterday at work one of the regulars came in, and said to me, "you know, rachelle ... i'm not sure what it is that you are going through but i feel compelled to tell you that patience is, at times, the best form of prayer."  and i felt like he didn't even have to say more.   i have felt bombarded with decisions in these last weeks ... letting go of things and believing that god will fill those voids with even better things:  His amazing and matchless grace. 

and more than that, that i don't need to have anything figured out.  leave starbucks?  pay of debt?  get a "real" job?  go back to school for nursing?  allow myself to be more vulnerable with ___? africa?  mexico?  read that book or clean my room?  seriously ... and though it may seem so juvenile and ridiculous, i have allowed the enemy to just fill my tank with so much GARBAGE that i have forgotten my heart.  forgotten the true battle going on everyday to just live.  and live in faith.  and honor my Father that is simply asking me to  ::  believe ::

and to rest in Him.

i am thankful for his gentleness with me.  to know that i will be living in fort wayne, for at least somewhat of permanence until another door is opened is very scary to me.  i find myself being perhaps an extremist in my decisions, and learning that committing to something is much more Godly and virtuous than just dipping my feet in so that if "i need to" i can run.

someone once very special to me said, "wisdom is proved right by her actions"

and i feel that i am on the horizon of learning to become this woman.  with my wooden umbrella in hand [a beautiful gift i received this weekend when i was home in wisconsin] only because when it rains like this it's so much prettier to have a wooden umbrella.

Currently Listening Jimmy Eat World By Jimmy Eat World see related

i honestly don't have the energy to write out the things i am truly feeling and thinking.

and yet, i must say that pain in some mysterious way is altogether lovely.  yes, i said it.  this last week has been so stinkin' shitty and hard.  i feel my hands trembling at the thought of things...my throat dry and that solid lump that won't go away.  there are times i have to retreat from what i'm doing and remember to just  :: breathe ::

and yet, i am loved.  i am held by my Maker's hands, and i feel that these tears or cries or screams will continued to be muffled in his gentle loving arms...as i allow myself to be cradled away into peace and safety.  He takes care of me, it's altogether lovely.

Currently Listening Philadelphonic By G. Love & Special Sauce see related

"The Lord says,

Forget what happened before,

and do not think about the past.

Look at the new thing I am going to do.

It's already happening.

Don't you see it?

I will make a road in the desert,

and rivers in the dry land."

Isaiah 43v18-19

Yesterday morning was a revival for little Rachelle's heart.  It was these lyrics that struck me, and in the midst of what seemed like a pretty uncharismatic worship service, God began to pour down the rain into my DRY roots.  He began the sick experience of healing: 'Your perfect love is casting out fear ... and even when I'm caught in the storms of this life, i won't turn back I know you are near.  [oh, for You are with me!] ... and i can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on, a glorious light beyond all compare'.  And all of my fears, of moving, not moving, of where my life is/is not going VANISHED.  because He spoke to me this truth:

"Look at the new thing I am going to do.

It's already happening.

Don't you see it?"

And I began to understand that no matter how I feel in any given moment...worthless, purposeless, forgotten, abandoned, lost, and orphaned, that MY FATHER of this creation, ME, is constantly doing a new thing...and it is ALREADY happening!  I have no power over it, it cannot be stopped.  I just have to hold on, hold little heart! Oh, how my past is no longer existent to my father, how i dwell so much on things that have already been erased off his canvas and his fingers are painting something new.  suddenly, my fears seemed pointless.  seemed like a complete waste of time and energy.  and as we sat down to hear the message, my body felt like it was flying.  i felt free.  assured of His work.  I may not know what that is in me, but don't you see it?

It's already happening.

whew.

i have to tell you i feel very exhausted, and most of it is my fault.  i have been fighting some hard battles...because i have been allowing the enemy to eat me alive.  i took a good look at my life after work today (which i was reminded of how much He is doing in me there.  the last two weeks i have forgotten), driving home in the cold and i finally felt at peace.  i cried out to the lord and guess what

He heard me.

[imagine that rachelle]

He's making me bolder, with strength in my soul (psalm 139)

He's truly delivering me from my fears and i have to stop looking back.  i have to stop believing the lie that God doesn't have the good in for me...that He's planning a revolt against me and i am just waiting for the arrows to pierce.  how sad, and ashamed i felt tonight as i pulled into my driveway.  my heart is in a lot of the wrong places, and i wept out in repentance.  remind me of truth, dear jesus.  thank you for friends that fight for me in my most immature and self-hating moments.  i need transformation in my mind, and i am threw with petty and fickle thoughts.  My Father knows my coming and my going, and friends i am running after more than just spiritual milk but UNFALTERING  [thank you]  truth...meaty, juicy truth. 

He is ridiculously patient with me.  It's so beautiful how He loves.  His arms are wrapping around me tonight...i know i am safe.  and i can feel his gentle fingers mending and changing my heart as my heavy eyes close.  it feels so lovely to be graced. 

i'm wide awake it's morning.

well, it's actually 1:53 pm but i've been up since 3:30 am and i smell of italian roast and breakfast blend.

i successfully this week

• chipped off 2 inches of ice on my car while being pelted by hail balls
• spent two days straight in bed while sniffing peppermint extract through my humidifier and somehow living off 8 cups of thera-flu
• smacked my foot on my bathtub and ripped my big toenail in half  \\ ohh, and it's painted a pretty apple red \\
• drove on a flat tire
• spent a total of 45 min on my tax returns (first time myself, oh yes baby)
• made gravy with corn starch and decided i would never do that again
• bought new velcro black shoes for work for $11.  yes, $11.  not terribly cheap but they were once $58.

i really miss home.  i do.  i'm struggling a lot with my future, and trusting God with the details of where He's taking me and if I want to go (or if I even know where I'm supposed to be).  it seems like everytime i get excited about something, i get afraid.  there's never an absolute with me, i question everything.  more than anything i want to be with this girl laying in the sun and letting some beautiful women feed into my life in Meridian.  last spring for me was so healing and rescuing, and it's these relationships in my life that truly sustain me.

more than anything though i want to know that He truly is doing a good work and He extends peace like a river to me (Isaiah 66:12).  and that sometimes biting the bullet with the unknown is the only way to build faith.  and for me to understand that delayed gratification is a sure sign of maturity, presses me to be patient with Him.  and trust that i don't have to have it all figured out.